a letter for Darcy

I have been acutely afflicted with "Austenmania" since the day my great-aunt sent me a beautiful, 50-something-year-old copy of Pride and Prejudice in the mail. It was then, at the age of 12, that I first became acquainted with Fitzwilliam Darcy; and since that very day, my ardent affections towards him have remained unchanged.

I hereby write this letter on behalf of my fellow Darcinians, whose affection for the gentleman is as warm as my own.
 
My dear Mr. Darcy, 

I hardly know how to begin, for I fear the collective efforts of Miss Austen, the British Broadcasting Network, Hollywood, tall handsome gentlemen, Colin Firth, aristocracy, the United Kingdom, and Matthew MacFayden shall render my praise of you and your fine figure quite paltry by comparison. I confess it is with great trepidation that I compose this, as I hardly know how one such as myself can do you justice. Perhaps you are acquainted with a certain Mr. Collins? He is, by all accounts, a rather... loquacious man, and lest my speech begin to remind you of his, I shall endeavor to quell my adulation so as not to offend your sensibilities. 

It may grieve you to know, Mr. Darcy, that the 21st century is not at all like your time. The reserve, the elegant social rituals, the finery and finesse, are as foreign to the majority of my generation as the concept of distended trousers would be to yours. I'm sure you would turn completely crimson if you were privy to the brash coarseness many of the young people of today exhibit. Indeed, scoundrels are not strangers to your century, but at least the Wickhams, Willoughbys, Thorpes, and Elliots of your day had the decency to grease their moral turpitude with oily manners and chicanery. I do not wish to discourage you entirely, for there are still a few gentlemen left--truly gallant young men pleasing both in manners and countenance, well-trained in the arts of chivalry and amiable behavior--and I am confident you would not be loath to stand up in the same room with them. There are others, however, who I think would benefit from a sound verbal thrashing from one such as yourself. But I shall speak no more of them. 


Please allow me congratulate you, sir, on the 199th anniversary of you and the former Miss Bennet. Your near bi-centennial marriage still sends ladies of my time into raptures, to be sure! Please, pass on my warmest regards to Elizabeth. 

I'm afraid I must be off now, Mr. Darcy; how I look forward to meeting you again when next I read. Please take comfort in the knowledge of two things: the first, the assurance of my constant affection; the second, the satisfaction of being almost entirely responsible for my insufferably high expectations of men. 

Best wishes, 
Miss Natasha Oladokun