Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Touch is my love language, but seriously...

So. It's been over 2 months since I did the big chop, and I am still loving it. :) It makes me feel sassy(er) and carefree, and there's just something daring about a girl cutting her hair short that I find so delightful. It's been great! :D

Except for one thing. Now, before I continue, I hereby evoke the following disclaimer: the entry below is not directed toward any one person in particular. Seriously. It's not. Because trust me, everyone and their mom has done this to me at some point in the past 2 months. And I refuse to remain silent any longer! (Not that remaining silent is one of my character strengths, but that's beside the point.) Anyway, don't think that if you're reading this and you're one of the many who has done this to me, that I'm targeting you. I'm not.

I'm only sort of targeting you. 

Having said that, I continue. What the french toast exactly makes people think that just because my hair is now shorter, they can just stick their fingers in it and mess around with my head?!??!? I mean let's be real here, people. My hair is an extension of my body. This is precious territory we're talking about here. Now I know some of you are going to read this and will be thinking "Psh, gurlchill." I will not chill! Not until the full measure of my wrath has been poured out on the interwebs and the whole world tastes of my displeasure. 

If you're struggling to understand, let me put it to you this way. Imagine if every time I saw you, I walked up to you, and before even saying hello, I started tweaking your nose or stroking your leg. Aggressively. Um, WEIRD. Not to mention socially awkward.

It's not that I have issues with having my hair touched. It's the assumption that just because it's short and curly, you can pet it. Like a freaking dog. It's one thing to say, "Hey I really love your hair! May I touch it?" It's quite another issue when you assault my scalp with your fingers. 

Moral of the Story: In the words of my friend Mr. Hammer, "U Can't Touch This"
















Thursday, September 1, 2011

16 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Kroger

1. Do the running man on the grocery conveyor belt
2. Run around repeatedly screaming "THE CELERY IS ALIVE!!!!" as loud as you are humanly capable
3. Chuck M&M's at people 
4. Juggle grapefruit
5. Hide in the meat fridge
6. Dump milk out on the floor and turn it into a slip'n'slide
7. Make pirate hats out of the cereal boxes
8. Sing Justin Bieber songs through a megaphone 
9. Wrestle with a pillow in the front entrance
10. Stand at the exit in a Jedi costume and use the Force every time the doors open
11. Hack into the loud speakers and announce that from now on, all sale proceeds will go toward ant farming organizations
12. Set a monkey loose in the magazine section
13. Re-enact the last battle scene from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe in the cereal isles
14. Do wheelies on your bike in the check-out line
15. Use air-freshener as mace
16. Hug the cashier, vehemently declaring that it's Free Hug Day


Moral of the Story: Grocery shopping is only boring if you want it to be.